Saturday - Undone

I am 1.7lbs away from undoing everything I have done with Weight Watchers.  I began at 222.8 (wearing jeans and tank top) and am now 224.4lb.  Today, without any clothing, I weighed in at 220lbs.  *sigh*  I have gained 10.6lbs since finding out I was pregnant three months ago.  I haven't been eating the best I could be, but I haven't been completely overeating either.  I suppose about 11lbs in three months would only be a little less than a pound a week.  It's still a bit discouraging though.  On the one hand I'm not looking forward to going through the physical and emotional pain of a miscarriage, but on the other I'm ready to be done with all this so I can move on and start getting back to a healthy weight again. I need to start tracking more carefully again, but I still find myself needing comfort, and of course I turn to food.

Sunday - Sad News & New Beginnings

My HCG is dropping which means I will likely miscarry this pregnancy in a couple of weeks. Although that is indeed sad news, it's not at all unexpected.  I have had 5 pregnancies and only one child so far.  I wrote more about my feelings (on a different blog that is now gone so I've posted it below), but in short, after you've been through so many losses you can't let it devastate you.  I am simply going to move forward and concentrate on my weight loss and getting my body back to a healthy place. We've decided not to try again until I've gotten within 20lbs of my goal weight which is 140lbs.

I'll be taking it easy for the next couple of weeks and then after it's all done with and I've recovered I'll be looking for ways to incorporate exercise into my daily routine.  In the meantime I need to start at the beginning with weight watchers.  I've gotten away from the power foods, certain fruits, veggies, and lean proteins the give you energy and keep you fuller longer, which has resulted in my being tired and hungry all day long.  I need to take a look at my meals and decide what needs to stay and what I need to add or subtract to make my days more worthwhile and productive.

From my other blog about the miscarriage in case you are interested:

      I had an ultrasound last month that showed me measuring about 6 weeks, a week shy than I ought to be, so they scheduled me to come back two weeks later.  At that ultrasound I was still measuring 6 weeks and the Dr who saw me that day was unable to see an embryo.  He figured I had a blighted ovum and had me do a couple of HCG quants to try and get a better picture.  A blighted ovum, or anembryotic pregnancy, is where the egg is fertilized and implants.  The outer two layers become the gestational sac and placenta, but the inner most layer fails to divide into an embryo, usually do to chromosomal problems. Essentially, I am pregnant without a baby.  The placenta is what causes HCG levels to rise and pregnancy symptoms to occur until the second trimester where the fetus takes over. I have done three quants so far.  The first was 70K; two days later it was 50K; one week after that it was 25K.  If it continues to drop at this same rate I can expect a miscarriage in a couple weeks.  We've decided to wait until I am at my goal weight to try again which probably means in a year.  Although that kinda makes me uneasy since I miscarried this time last year as well.  I think I'll be worried that it'll happen again, but we really want to give birth in the Spring/Summer and the chances of losing a 5th pregnancy are the same if we wait 3 months of 12. 

       When I tell people they look at me really sad and genuinely ask how I am doing.  When I tell them I'm fine and it's just part of nature they look at me like I'm a freak.  I've been through three miscarriages so far.  The first and last ones hurt like hell and I was alone for both which made me cry.  I was horribly scared and sad during the first one because I had no idea what was happening to me.  I knew blood and cramping was bad and it meant losing the baby but I didn't understand what was happening to my body and the ER tech made me feel like an idiot for not bringing in the "products of conception".  I was appalled that he wanted me to bring my dead baby in like it was just tissue. Last time it happened too quickly I didn't think about collecting it and this time I haven't decided if I want to go to the ER or do it at home again.  I have some narcotics in case I decide to stay home.  Last time I cried as it happened because it hurt and I was again all alone and scared from the pain, but afterwards I didn't grieve the way I did my first.  This time I don't really have any feelings toward it besides being afraid I might be alone again.  DH is scheduled to be traveling some time this month but we don't know when yet. 

        I guess it just feels like infertility to me.  I have no problem getting pregnant; I just can't seem to stay that way. I imagine it sucks for women who are trying to conceive and go through the pain of those shots only to have their periods show up, but they aren't devastated every single month.  The first few probably hurt and again when it's been a year or more with no success, but each and every period doesn't send them into a deep depression.  I feel the same about my miscarriages.  It sucks and sure I wish it didn't happen, but I can't be completely devastated about it every time.  I'd be wallowing in depression my whole childbearing life.  I guess now I just try to take it easy and wait.  I hope whatever happens does so sooner rather than later.